AMP: Artists' Meeting Place and Resource Collective

I suppose I just felt overwhelmed at the thought of exploring here, or it could be a subconscious resistance to activating my art life and connecting with others in that way, even though all of this is so wonderful and sacred and necessary for me. This is my first posting and I just put my picture up and I have told myself that I will explore the site a bit and see what's going on.

I think it a good idea to "out" the horrible secret, that I have suffered quite a long and numbingly baffling resistance to making new work. Even now, that I have a show less than a month away, I still can't seem to make myself go into the studio. All these ideas are painting themselves in my head and there is a strange kind of empty feeling at the center of the inaction, which upon scraping away a little, reveals a slight ouch....which I dare not touch much as it gets more sensitive and it says "I feel guilty that I'm not doing it!" Another voice then says "So what...don't if you don't feel like it. Be true to yourself". Then a charming little argument might ensue, if I bother to follow the series of feelings and what they are saying. The finale of such a dialog with Ms. RESISTENCE (don't you dare call her "Block"!) is her saying, "I will when..." and she'll name some condition upon which her willingness or ability to be inspired to give energy to the act is based upon. It could be anything from time, to getting, x, y and z out of the way.

I know that the roots of this situation are deep and the most healing thing in the world will be for me to work through this....

And I must but without being a bully to the resistance as this only strengthens it.

Ironically, I was a hypnotherapist for 5 years and helped many people conquer procrastination and all kinds of blocks and I know the ways to do this and yet, here I am.

You have to want to want to want in order for it to work.....

It is a need, but the want to fulfill the need is submerged. Writing this down for anyone to read, exposing this shameful, secretive thing is one of the ways I am making movements to push through this. I have some other plans too, like having an "Art buddy" with whom I check in once a day to report to......of what I do each day.

I just breathed a heavy sigh....deep down, there is sadness and fear.......doing it, is what is going to work this out of me. All the affirmations in the world don't work, if you don't vent out what's going on.

So, there you have it. My confession, my admittance, the horrible truth that I am a born artist who is presently not making visual art.

The artforms that I have been doing the past year and a half or so have been the written word and sound stuff.....mostly writing.....

I did a little painting the other day, got my hands dirty and felt more real to myself as a result.....vowed I'd do it again the next day, then I didn't. That was a week ago....

Bella